Sunday, November 7, 2010

Monday Morning Meltdown

(to the tune of, "Bye, bye Miss American Pie)

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that email used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my Mac
That I could Google "heart attack"
And, maybe, I'd stay online for a while.

But November made me shiver
My emails could not be delivered.
To Toronto or Hoboken;
My IMAP link was broken.

I had a meltdown and I cried
When I couldn't reach my Russian bride,
I was troubled deep inside
The day my Fusemail died.

So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."

Did you write the book of Code,
And do you have a local node,
Does your doco tell you so?
Do you believe in Steven Jobs,
Can email save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to type real slow?

Well, I know that you’re online right now
But I can't reach you anyhow.
I might try to IM you.
Man, my email won't go through!

I was a hostile mid-aged fat-assed chick
With a big computer and a memory stick,
But I knew I was almost sick
The day my Fusemail died.

So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."

Now for ten years we’ve made friends online
And we email them all the time,
But that’s not how it used to be.
We used to just pick up the phone,
And ask if our friends were at home
In a voice that came from you and me.

Oh, but then Road Runner came to town,
We went online, the lines went down.
The servers just got burned;
An ERROR was returned.
And while someone wrote a Dummie's Guide,
The tech guys all played iTunes songs,
Said they'd fixed it. They were wrong
The day my Fusemail died.

Now I'm singing,
"So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."

Helter skelter in a nervous swelter.
Everyone's running to take shelter,
I'm really low and falling fast
My email's gone and I'm aghast
I don't know long I can last
I'd like to put that tech guy in a cast.

Now the monitor gives me commands
To do things I don't understand.
I think I'll just reboot it,
Or get a gun and shoot it!
`cause my email will not be revealed;
The files are missing or concealed.
Can you imagine how I feel?
Today my email died.

I started singing,
"So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."."

Oh, my files were stored all in one place,
A server somewhere lost in space
I think I'll hit "Restart" again.
So come on: Techny Nerd Guy fix it quick!
I've gone offline and feeling sick
I can't send an email to my friends.

Oh, and yes I tried the Online Chat
But I knew I shouldn't count on that.
No tech guy born in hell
Could break my satan’s spell.
As he tried to help from Bangalore
I couldn't take it anymore,
I called the Geek Squad to my door
The day my email died

They were singing,
"So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."

I called a guy who worked for Fuse
And I asked him for some happy news,
But he just laughed and went away.
I went down to the Apple store
Where I’d bought a laptop years before,
But the man there couldn't fix me up today.

So in my blog I blew off steam,
I vented rage, I yelled and screamed,
My email still was broken;
But I felt good I'd spoken.
And the men that I admire the least:
The techie guys who made this beast,
They all logged off and had a feast
The day my email died.

And I was singing,
"So bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry."."

I was singing,
"bye-bye, to my Internet High
I'd better write a letter,
To the tech support guy
They told me they could fix it but I know it's a lie
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I cry.
"this’ll be the day that I cry.""

11 comments:

LittleWit said...

Very well written. Will they be able to restore your email? That would make me crazy if all my mail went away.

Deborah Knight said...

Hi, LittleWit! You're up early, I think it might be okay. Not sure yet. There are about 300 copies of the same letter in my IN box...but at least that's something!

Christine said...

lmao!

Robin said...

how about a you tube performance?

Deborah Knight said...

That would be a riot! Unfortunately, I can't even hum in tune!

Pam MacKenzie said...

Deborah,

This is such a hoot. It has the potential to go viral. Fusemail should be quaking in their boots.

I hope you get your e-mail soon.

Pam MacKenzie

Deborah Knight said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed my song! The guys at Fusemail are probably deleting my files right now to get revenge.

CINDI LINDSEY said...

absolutely wonderful song!

billicummings said...

WOW! Your good!

Ninja Ryder said...

;) I was singing along and that song is Hard To Sing. May I please send this to my friends at Citrix Online?

Deborah Knight said...

Sure you can! I think it's a song we can all relate to! :)