With gasoline sky-rocketing up to $4.15 per gallon here in the thriving megalopolis of Pickerington, Ohio I've decided to have a fund-raising event to help the needy.
Who's the needy, you ask?
I am! I've decided that I want to live like all those beautiful people on reality TV. I want a gazillion dollar house. I want to wear evening gowns in the morning. I want to sip champagne and eat gourmet marshmallows (I don't like caviar) all day. I want to be the sort of person who makes it onto a TV show just for being me. But a really good-looking, rich me. Not the middle-aged, middle-class, mid-West me who lives a life of obscurity and denial.
So, here's the deal.
Send me your money. Not all of it. You can keep some for yourself. But send me whatever you're not using in the next three days. Got a 401K? Clean it out and send it to me. Bonds? Sell 'em. I want 'em. Gold...real gold? I'll take Maple Leaf coins, Krugerrands, whatever you've got.
When I get your money, I promise that I'm going to have a heck of a good time spending it. I'll buy myself a face lift, bum lift, boobs, a tummy tuck and maybe even some hair extensions. I'll wear really nice clothes by Valentino. (That reminds me. The Target T-shirt I bought disintegrated after three washings. Do you think I can take it back?)
I'll have my teeth bleached, my eyes lazered, my toenails polished, my face derma-braded and my freckles permanently removed.
I'll even get eyelash implants!!!
You name it, I'll do it. And, boy, will I ever feel fulfilled and self-actualized.
So hurry while you can. Put all your money into an unmarked brown box and send it to me: Deborah at Yarnmarket, 12936 Stonecreek Drive, Pickerington, OH, 43147.
Be sure to include your return address so I can send you a chatty little postcard from one of the Greek Islands or maybe the Riviera. Well, that's if I'm not too busy with Armando.